Saturday, May 7, 2011

Black Mom Stories #5

Mom:"Like those asians talking about people right in their faces. Thats so rude..."
Me: "Mom if you could speak another language you would."
Mom: "You're damn right I'd be like (starts speaking gibberish)."

Black Mom Quotes #4

"I watched a lot of Lifetime that one week when I was off, I can plot my death. No wonder people get addicted to Lifetime they don't give you a real commercial break between movies."

" I know I shouldn't be talking about your daddy like that but he is ugly and he's got a fat ass stomach now."

"Hell no you can't be my friend if I'm from America and you're from Israel. I know you're smart enough to hack my stuff and blame it on me and then I get arrested for some crime."

"Muslims, those are the ones who be selling those bean pies on the corner. Black muslims, you know thats a lie Black people selling bean pies the most you should have is a potato pies or something. Thats like me saying I'm a Jew, isn't that a little weird. Show me a black person with one of those black hats! That's right because you can't!"

Black Mom Quotes #3

Mom: "I'm about to start lying in a second and say i'm dead heres the death certificate and ill go to that island with hussein and tupac and kick it."
Me: "Mom his name is Osama.."

"I should of made you a typical nigga, get a 2.5 and play basketball. No she can't read but she sure can jump high."

"Oh hell yeah I'm from the hood!! You're and fricken oreo! Folks don't understand when you speak proper you have to get in their ass and let em know."

Black Mom Story #4

"Oh you shot him in the face and his body had to be burned and thrown in the sea thats a lie from hell hes on that same island with Tupac. Watch when he blows up america 20 years from now they'll be like, "welp we made a mistake." I can't even believe whats his name is running for president we're going to hell in a hand basket. They put Donald Trump and his tupae on the ballot he probably can't even spell democrat."

Black Mom Quotes #2

"I thought you were just sitting next to each other I didn't think you would have a black date. Does he go to Xavier or something? Because I don't know any black people that you know. You don't know any, exactly."

"They'll get me for tax evasion and all kind of other shit because you keep typing that SHIT. What you need to do is stop typing so damn much!"

"I'm just waiting for the damn boat to take my ass right back on to africa i;ll probably find me a Kunta Kinte and won't even have to worry about all these short ass black men hollering at me. Send me right on back to the motherland get my clothes made for cheap, I don't got to work for nobody carry some baskets on my head and live right on. They don't even have McDonald's out there so don't worry about gaining no weight, they'll accept me for who I am."

"I'm adopted and they took me to Texas and if you stay in that damn heat long enough anyone will turn black."

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Black Mom Quotes

"You study serial killers tell me how to get away with it for about 10 years. I wouldn't start toll I was about 80, so if I got caught wouldn't matter, I'd have one foot in the grave already."

"Good night, the pills are starting to kick in. Stay black and proud sistah soldier."

Black Mom Story #3

Me: "Mom please stop this."
Mom: "Maybe I could do a reality show!"
Me: "No absolutely not."
Mom: "Uh huh, can call it mom dun los her mind."
Me:" You are too hood."
Mom: " Thats better than ghetto."
Me: "True"
Mom: "Actually I'm more Hollywood...just took pain pill, sleeping pills with a shot of vodka."